jordan’s journal

I’m currently in a creative writing class. I was scared to take it at first but it has been surprisingly fun and reminded me of my love for writing. We are in our nonfiction section and I’m writing about my unfortunate experiences with love. When tying the end of my story together, I talk about good times ending and not knowing the reason for it all. Thought i’d come on here and dissect it.

“It’s funny how you never want the good times to end but they always do. And how you never actually think that they will. When you are sixteen and going 100 mph down rural roads thinking there’s no chance you’ll get caught. When you are seventeen getting dressed up just to get dressed down. How you’ll never understand why things happen the way they do. Why he was never good with words until he used them to break your heart. When he never communicated until he decided it was the time. Why they know how to rip the tablecloth from under you, but just bad enough that everything falls apart. But when you are twenty-one and looking back, you know things were how they were, so you could be where you are now. You live for the moments without them. You look forward to: the drives where you pick the music, no arguments when you want to go the beach, no eyes rolling when you share how you feel, and how you no longer feel surprised when someone shows up for you.”

Mom don’t kill me but yes, I went 100 mph down back roads a couple years ago. Realistically, I could’ve hit something, there could have been a cop, and I wasn’t driving my own car. Something about the teenage mind thinks that these things won’t happen, the worst possibility. You live in a bliss of your small worries and feeling the rush of adolescence. But when bad things do happen, I always think “why?” I used to not understand why bad things happen to good people. A plan in the making? I think so. Now that I look back at these unfortunate moments in my life, I realize I needed them to become who I am. Now I look forward to the days where I can be unapologetically myself and do what I want, when I want. I no longer feel guilty when I express that my feeling were hurt. I no longer am surprised when people show up for me, in person or emotionally.

I think the beauty of these moments, is that they do end. I used to be accustomed to being ignored by someone who claimed they loved me. That ends. I used to feel anger, sadness, betrayal, and loneliness. That ends. I feel what I do now because of the absence of what came before. I savor the good times, because sadly they will end. We live on a fine line, and what gets me through the tough moments is knowing too, those end.